I think I have a disease. Is there a medical term for humiliating events always being present in the mind even if it occurred years and years ago? I remembered before my paternal grandfather died, he had a terrible stroke. The third time. My parents were fighting. Basically it was my mom who kept complaining that why is it that every time something bad happens in my Dad's family, my Dad is always the "financial provider". I wanted to interrupt, "What do you want ma, just a moral support provider?" but I just kept that to myself or else, my Dad would say, "Shut up, you're just my kid and kid's have no right to their own opinion". Great. Anyway, being the pre-teen immature "kid" that I am, I took their fight seriously (I was an emotional kid). What I did afterwards was write a "Letter to God" saying, "Please God, just let my grandpa die. I hate seeing my parents fight all the time". Then I burned the letter at our backyard and said another "prayer to God" bargaining for my soul to the devil....just kidding. No, I did not bargain my soul just prayed the same shit that I wrote. The very next day my aunt called in the wee hours (get that, wee) of the morning and said that my grandpa died.
After that incident, I kept thinking maybe I'm some kind of witch in the making. I got scared and my conscience said that I must have been the cause to my grandpa's death regardless of the gallons of ice cream and fat from eating Lechon that have accumulated in his body through all of his living years. I was even more surprised when I realized that instead of feeling grieved, I felt relief after my grandpa's death. But grandpa's death, as I found out in my later years, was not the end of our domestic troubles. My parents still continued on fighting mostly over financial reasons. I can't say that we're poor. My Dad can obviously provide for his family and my Mom was good on handling money nonetheless, money was still the root of all problems. My parents did not separate and during my mid 20's I've observed that my parents have already got accustomed to their fighting so much that they have possibly unconsciously realized it didn't matter anymore. The same happened to me about not caring and having just let them be and still I kept on thinking that eventful day that I have burned my "Letter to God".
Even though "the burning" was a success, I did not try it anymore for fear that it might actually be true that I am really a witch. Just kidding. It was an awful act on my part that until the "present", I still have this lingering feeling that despite me being a "good kid", deep inside I'm really this bad person with a hideous selfish attitude. That no matter how I try to become what I want to be, I'll never be able to achieve it because of the letter that I have already burned years ago that God has made to answer.
Sabado, Disyembre 12, 2015
Biyernes, Disyembre 4, 2015
The Past Life Part II
When I got "rid off" of my elementary years, I didn't know I was moving on to the next phase of life which was High school. It was definitely not the American Save by the Bell series I was hoping for. I had expectations of "this is the point in my life when I will realize my dreams". The end result was that my "dream" that I placed in our "semi-yearbook" was "To be a professional". What did that even mean? I could be a professional killer or whatever. Those years became a toil of getting the good grades because that school's motto only mattered towards good grades. So I thought, well, maybe if I'd choose just a random profession and probably get "good grades" I could get along in life as well. But, no. I don't really blame the school on anything, though. I really like the school because I met friends that I had been friends with until now, the present. And the teachers were rather cool too. But yeah, grades. You'd think I'm a genius or something but I only get by in life. So, if you'd ever have a desire to go to a science school, think ahead because not all are geniuses and cheating is very rampant. I'd say that like I don't have any words known other than "rampant".
Speaking of teachers, there was one teacher who proctored an exam for a different subject. He caught me talking with my classmate during the exam and he thought that I was cheating. I was surprised because he said "BANG!" like I got shot or something. All my classmates started laughing mid-exam. God, was I embarrassed. Anyway, he was really cool about it and he didn't report it to our subject teacher. That subject teacher was actually one of the most memorable though. She had a big mole on her face. Some of the older students said that it was fake because they always caught it at a different cheek each time. Anyway, she was strict in a funny way. She was really old but nobody knew how old she was. Her birth certificates and other "papers" were lost due to a fire or a flood in her home (I don't remember that much). But I can't assure this because it was also one of the theories the students and some teachers said about her. They made it seem so funny though. Every morning she would complain to us (her advisory students) about how untidy the room and surroundings were but in the end she'd be the one who cleans. She really killed me sometimes in a funny and depressing way. I guess she's retired by now.
Speaking of teachers, there was one teacher who proctored an exam for a different subject. He caught me talking with my classmate during the exam and he thought that I was cheating. I was surprised because he said "BANG!" like I got shot or something. All my classmates started laughing mid-exam. God, was I embarrassed. Anyway, he was really cool about it and he didn't report it to our subject teacher. That subject teacher was actually one of the most memorable though. She had a big mole on her face. Some of the older students said that it was fake because they always caught it at a different cheek each time. Anyway, she was strict in a funny way. She was really old but nobody knew how old she was. Her birth certificates and other "papers" were lost due to a fire or a flood in her home (I don't remember that much). But I can't assure this because it was also one of the theories the students and some teachers said about her. They made it seem so funny though. Every morning she would complain to us (her advisory students) about how untidy the room and surroundings were but in the end she'd be the one who cleans. She really killed me sometimes in a funny and depressing way. I guess she's retired by now.
The Past Life Part I
So "the Past me" was like very normal. Normalcy usually meant that I was not a "troublemaker" as a kid. The only "trouble" I did was when I took off my socks and shoved it on my sister's face. I didn't expect her to get mad though. I was hoping for Hah-now-I'm-gonna-get-my-socks-too-and-shove-it-in-your-face-dumbass! But sadly, it was not the reaction I had hoped for but I did receive an angry response from my mom. During my elementary years, we used to watch American TV series like 7th Heaven, Save by the bell, etc. And by that time I knew what grounded in American terms meant. Filipino parents are not used to grounding their kids but instead the kids got a beating (not punching the face though) and some angry words that included history lessons ("when I was young, I didn't do this or that...."), comparing to the unfortunate relative ("you're going to end up just like your good for nothing uncle..."), and sometimes "why can't you be like your older sister? She's top in the class. (Okay, probably not the last part but I do believe I've seen enough non-verbal cues leading to those statements). Being the second in a 4-siblings family meant I could be the black sheep so it placed a heavy burden, I think, even until at the present. So whenever I get scolded or got a "beating" (usually from my dad), I sometimes wished I were grounded instead.
At school, I was the silent one. Always the shy type. Yeah, I got bullied a lot. I've been called names however I can't recall them anymore. Those I think, were the saddest days of my life. This was still elementary. You would think that only students in public schools get bullied but I went to a private Catholic school. The only part I like about the school was the library. They had new books acquired each year and magazines like Reader's Digest were updated. Anyway, there was this boy who's smaller than me but was always dirty looking like I can't comprehend where he always end up being so disheveled and all. There was one class I was assigned to sit next to him and I thought he was high or something (probably on sugar, ha!) and he just pulled the table in front of us and me being unaware so I just sat there sitting like an idiot not noticing how dangerous my seatmate was. The table got off-balance and he just let the table fall on my feet. Damn, it hurt like hell. The table wasn't just plastic but hardwood. I cried. Amongst other bullying instances. At that time I really wanted to punch him in the face but sadly, I've got no balls. Literally and metaphorically. If there was a part in the yearbook where students get to vote for the Girl Who Cried Most Due To Idiotic Bullying Instances, it would be me.
At school, I was the silent one. Always the shy type. Yeah, I got bullied a lot. I've been called names however I can't recall them anymore. Those I think, were the saddest days of my life. This was still elementary. You would think that only students in public schools get bullied but I went to a private Catholic school. The only part I like about the school was the library. They had new books acquired each year and magazines like Reader's Digest were updated. Anyway, there was this boy who's smaller than me but was always dirty looking like I can't comprehend where he always end up being so disheveled and all. There was one class I was assigned to sit next to him and I thought he was high or something (probably on sugar, ha!) and he just pulled the table in front of us and me being unaware so I just sat there sitting like an idiot not noticing how dangerous my seatmate was. The table got off-balance and he just let the table fall on my feet. Damn, it hurt like hell. The table wasn't just plastic but hardwood. I cried. Amongst other bullying instances. At that time I really wanted to punch him in the face but sadly, I've got no balls. Literally and metaphorically. If there was a part in the yearbook where students get to vote for the Girl Who Cried Most Due To Idiotic Bullying Instances, it would be me.
The Beginning
Hi.
Do you ever get that feeling upon waking up in the morning of how your day would turn out? I suppose that having nightmares almost every night makes me wonder, "Am I really that pessimistic about my life?" Last night I dreamed that I got called from work because I didn't arrive for work. Crap. And then I realized, "Oh, I have no job". Sucks right? Immediately, I woke up at 5:45 in the morning-the time I usually woke up when I had a job.
It's not that I hated my job that I had to quit it. I was looking or "planning" on a different venture in my "LIFE". Sigh. I am past my mid twenties and I'm thinking of a different career path. Haha. This "different venture" required an entrance exam so I had to focus on studying and fortunately (sigh, again), I passed. -The sighing was meant for barely passing. Yes, I am a bit greedy when it comes to grades especially when it is about "following your dreams! blah blah blah...".
So, after one day of rethinking :
1. Is this really what I want?
2. What if I get rejected at the school I'll be applying?
3.What if halfway, I won't make it afterall after all?
4. This course is so damn expensive, my parents are going to shit...or will they?
I realized, no turning back now. I'm 26 for Chrissakes, a decision is a decision. A choice is a choice. (Shit's just got real). So now, at the time being, I'm finally able to do one of the things that I also wanted to do which is blogging. Yes!
Do you ever get that feeling upon waking up in the morning of how your day would turn out? I suppose that having nightmares almost every night makes me wonder, "Am I really that pessimistic about my life?" Last night I dreamed that I got called from work because I didn't arrive for work. Crap. And then I realized, "Oh, I have no job". Sucks right? Immediately, I woke up at 5:45 in the morning-the time I usually woke up when I had a job.
It's not that I hated my job that I had to quit it. I was looking or "planning" on a different venture in my "LIFE". Sigh. I am past my mid twenties and I'm thinking of a different career path. Haha. This "different venture" required an entrance exam so I had to focus on studying and fortunately (sigh, again), I passed. -The sighing was meant for barely passing. Yes, I am a bit greedy when it comes to grades especially when it is about "following your dreams! blah blah blah...".
So, after one day of rethinking :
1. Is this really what I want?
2. What if I get rejected at the school I'll be applying?
3.What if halfway, I won't make it afterall after all?
4. This course is so damn expensive, my parents are going to shit...or will they?
I realized, no turning back now. I'm 26 for Chrissakes, a decision is a decision. A choice is a choice. (Shit's just got real). So now, at the time being, I'm finally able to do one of the things that I also wanted to do which is blogging. Yes!
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